Sarah is Alright

and so are you

Posts tagged I cant

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I broke a nail earlier and clipped all of them to be the same length so that they wouldn’t look weird now I have forgotten how to type with my finger tips. This feels so weird. It’s like my hands are shorter. I actually feel shorter, like my whole height is shorter. What is going on? I am experiencing what we refer to in the Philippines as a melt down. And how exactly do I know that when I have never even been to the Philippines? its like I am a different person 

YE GODS

I don’t know how to make a fist anymore, I am not at all certain I could properly defend myself in a rousing bout of fisticuffs. My entire life is under question right now.

Filed under nail polish I CANT I CANT NAIL POLISH YOU GUYS HOLD ME

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Me:
*Eats a ridiculously large bite of carrot cake*
Mom:
Dude, you're deep-throating that cake! How do you fit so much in your mouth?
Me:
*Coughing fit*
Mom:
Don't choke! *snorts* THAT'S WHAT HE SAID, OH MAN.
Me:
Mom, you can't just say shit like that to me!!!
Mom:
You can't expect me to remain quiet while you fellate food in front of me, sweetie.
Me:
MOM!!!
Mom:
*distractedly* Is this the result of you learning how to swallow whole foods and bring them back up again when you were a kid? You had no gag reflex at ten, what the fuck? I'm so glad you didn't end up in the porn industry.
Me:
*laughing hysterically*
Mom:
'Cause you could, you know. Just saying. That's an option.
Me:
Porn was never an option, mom.
Mom:
Can you do that again? I wanna get a picture.
Me:
Yeah, okay.
--- In the car after dinner ---
Me:
..... *sniff* ..... *sniff* HOLYMOTHEROFGODWHATTHEFUCKDIED!?!?!? *tries to open windows. They're locked*
Mom:
*Laughing maniacally* It's that cheese soup, Nik. Fuck. Worth it, though.
Me:
UNLOCK THE WINDOWS YOU HEARTLESS FART MACHINE!!!
Mom:
Nope. *comically loud fart*
Ladies and gentlemen of Tumblr, allow me to introduce my mother.

Filed under I cant all my lols I think I love your mom